


Can't feel nothing small

by inthebeginningtherewasM



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: F/M, Modern AU, also alcohol and smoking, also nobody listen to Han Solo ever, and they were ROOMMATES, because that is my jam, don't do it kids, lots of swearing, mainly from Jyn, with some delicious angst and pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 16:50:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16896351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inthebeginningtherewasM/pseuds/inthebeginningtherewasM
Summary: Jyn Erso was a mess. She knew it, everyone else better fuck off about it. The only question now was: Why the fuck was Cassian still here?





	Can't feel nothing small

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, sweet peas!  
> My current WIPs are collectively kicking my ass. Nothing works, so this little oneshot kind of turned into my happy place. Only that it's ended up being not that little? And also not a oneshot? Oops.  
> I really hope that you'll have fun reading this since I had lots of fun writing it. Tell me what you think?

Jyn Erso was no saint. She knew it, everyone else better fuck off about it. She knew she probably had one too many cigarettes burning up her lungs and one too many drinks messing up her liver, she was dirty and brash - she definitely used the word fuck too much – and had had too many one-nightstands to bother to count. She alienated people with her looks and her speech, she was quick to throw a punch and ask questions later. She was always late on rent for two or three days and kept leaving her stuff lying around the flat wherever she dropped it, she never apologized for anything and usually never bothered to come home at a decent time and be considerate of other people when she did.

So why _the fuck_ was Cassian _still here_?

Jyn took a sip from her beer, sneaking looks at Cassian from across the couch. It seriously baffled her at this point. There must have been so much he’d rather do, people he’d rather see than sitting on the couch with her on a Saturday night when she was too broke to actually going out.

“You are staring again.”

Jyn flinched. And there she had been trying to be subtle about it.

“Merely appreciating your physique”, she shrugged, going from sips of beer to gulps. Cassian snorted and kept his eyes on the tv.

Jyn guessed it was a good thing that Cassian was still here. He was fucking godsent when she was honest. The day he answered her ad looking for a roommate was probably one of the luckiest days of her life. He cooked, he did the laundry (hers included), made sure all the bills were paid in time, basically did her taxes and watered all the plants. He was kind and patient and just _there_ and Jyn felt actually pretty lucky to have him. To be able to spend time with him too. (It was better than hanging out at some bar to be honest. Every time.) If she thought about it. Which she didn’t. She just didn’t want to think about how her life would be without him.

 

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

 

Unfortunately, the day she would have to live without him seemed to approach faster than Jyn would have liked. Like, a fucking _lot_ faster. He didn’t even say anything about it. Fucker. Jyn found the flyer by accident, when she walked through his room to get to the fire escape. She’d had a hard day and needed a cigarette and since Cassian kept insisting that the flat had to be kept smoke-free she made a point by walking through his room at the oddest hours. Like now.

Jyn half expected Cassian to lie in bed, maybe cursing at her for stomping through his room but he wasn’t even there. There was just this fucking leaflet lying on his neatly made bed, on top of the wrinkle-free blanket. Jyn hesitated a moment before picking it up. It was one of the shiny and professional ones, looking all crisp and inviting, showing off flats to rent and to buy, pretty one-bedroom apartments, furnished or bare, with the phone number of the agency printed in big obnoxious numbers. What did Cassian want with that? Didn’t he usually throw out all the garbage when he checked the mail in the kitchen? And where was Cassian anyway? Wasn’t Wednesday his “Revise whatever you have done this week for your new case and tinker with the evidence”-day where he sat on the couch hunched over his papers until his eyes burned and he went to bed sighing?

Jyn scoffed. Stupid leaflet. And stupid Cassian who was not even at home at ten o’clock in the middle of the week. (There was a brief flash of worry that something might have happened to him rushing through her but ultimately Jyn scoffed even harder at that. Cassian might have a prettyboy face with those big brown eyes and that soft hair that could theoretically invite people to rip him off but then again Cassian was much too smart to fall for any ruse and would be able to smooth-talk himself out of everything with his silver lawyer-tongue.)

She snatched the leaflet off the bed and took it with her onto the fire escape.

Jyn blew smoke through her nose, turning the flyer around and around. She looked at the pictures, how the single-bedroom apartments were advertised. An unpleasant feeling grew in her stomach. Cassian wouldn’t…would he?

In a fit of uncertainty and rage and maybe a smidge of pettiness – definitely no sadness or fucking fear, fuck off – Jyn grabbed her lighter and set the leaflet on fire. The paper burned and hissed and crumbled and ash flakes floated through the air and disappeared into the night, carried by the cigarette smoke Jyn blew into the darkness. And that was that.

 

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

 

The flyer kept haunting her. It was like burning the fucking thing had summoned all the housing ads in the neighborhood. Suddenly there where flyers and catalogues in the mailbox and realtor offices seemed to pop up wherever she went. There were “Better living” magazines in the front display of the stores when she went out to buy milk and “Looking for a roommate”-pages with telephone numbers to rip off sticking to lampposts and store windows.

Jyn couldn’t stop thinking about it either. Why hadn’t Cassian said anything? Had she finally driven him over the edge? The more she thought about it, the more obvious it seemed to get. They hadn’t spent much time together lately. Cassian had come home late every day for the last two weeks and they didn’t spend any comfortable evenings on the couch anymore. He seemed to bury himself in his work, gave only mono-syllabic answers to any question she asked and didn’t come out for drinks anymore. Even his ever present complaints about her smoking had subsided. And that was actually pretty big.

Not that she hadn’t tried to talk to him about all of this – most problems existed due to lack of communication, right? But even her subtle “Cassian, what the fuck is wrong with you lately?” was only met with a sigh and a “Lots to do, Jyn. Don’t worry about it. I’ll make it right.” And then he’d left for his room. Weird. Still. She’d rather have him being all fucking weird than not in her flat at all.

 

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

 

“She’s driving me mad, Smalls, she’s driving me fucking mad”, Han ranted and began to angrily wipe at the counter where Jyn sat. She had come to the Falcon immediately after work, still in her “presentable work sweater” as Bodhi called it and had poured herself a glass of whisky before sitting down at the bar. Han didn’t mind when she helped herself to drinks as long as she didn’t forget to put them on her tap. She knew where everything was after all.

“Why is nothing I do good enough for her, can you tell me that, Smalls?”

Raising an eyebrow Jyn continued to sip her drink. It wasn’t like Han expected an actual answer from her anyway. Also, she didn’t like it when he called her Smalls. She wasn’t that short. And she had her own problems to deal at the moment. There was no need to listen to Han’s fucking rants about how his girlfriend was a pain in his ass. Bickering was practically Han and Leia’s default setting. It was how they showed affection or some shit.

Jyn stared into her whiskey. (Like some sorry drunk. God, what was happening to her?) She played with the glass, sliding it back and forth over the counter, trying to make sense of her thoughts. All those housing ads…

“What’s up with you tonight, Smalls?”

Gosh, she probably looked really mopey if even Han noticed that something was different. Or maybe it was just because she hadn’t said anything about his predicament.

“I think Cassian is looking for a new place”, Jyn mumbled slowly into her glass. It sounded even weirder when she said it out loud. Han tilted his head.

“Lawyerboy is moving out? Didn’t say anything when he was here last time.”

Jyn shrugged. It wasn’t like Cassian had said anything to her either. Just because Han was a barkeeper didn’t mean everybody had to tell him everything all the time. Also, Jyn knew for a fact that Cassian hadn’t been to the bar for a while.

But if he was serious about moving out he’d probably only tell her when he had a ready-made plan. Hell, he’d probably tell her when he had a new roommate for her lined up as his replacement so she wouldn’t have to worry about paying the full rent every month or looking for one herself. That was just how Cassian was. A good guy. The best guy, really. And now he would leave for some stupid bullshit reason. She had no idea why. Shit. Yeah, she definitely could do with another drink. Or seven.

All she got was Leia who poked her head out of the backoffice though.

“Han, where are those bills for the beer you ordered from Lando?”

Han rolled his eyes, clutching at the bar.

“On the desk, your Highness”, he grumbled, clearly annoyed. Jyn shot him a wary look. She wasn’t keen on another fucking shouting match between those two. Buuuut Leia had already stepped out of the office, hands on her hips, a scowl on her face.

“You have half the bar on your desk, between those stupid model spaceships and all the bottles with booze you have to _taste_ ”, Leia hissed. “How am I supposed to keep your stupid books for your stupid bar if you can’t even collect your stupid bills? Why can’t you put them into the stupid filing basked I bought?”

Jyn almost snorted. Leia always kept her swearing PG, even though there was no reason for it in this shabby joint. Han didn’t seem to pay it any mind either because he just threw the dishtowel onto the counter and stomped off towards the back. Which probably meant that he wanted her to watch the bar for him. Great.

“I put them there so you would see them right away”, he shouted. “You know, some guys like to know that they are fucking appreciated!”

 

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_Some guys like to know that they are appreciated…appreciated…some guys like to know…they are appreciated…._

The words rolled around in Jyn’s head, bouncing and spinning. Round and around, again and again and again like a broken record. (Like that record Cassian had liked so much and Jyn had scratched by accident a few months ago. Fuck. She still had to replace that one.)

Usually she wasn’t one to give any shit about most things Han was saying but this… She never told Cassian that she was glad that he was there or that he was always cleaning and doing laundry and cooking and shit. She didn’t. He always did everything by himself and she never even thanked him for any of that, for fuck’s sake. What kind of a fucking disaster was she? Yeah, he never said anything, never complained, never wanted anything in return. But that was just so like him, or not? She was terrible and he didn’t say anything. Fucking lawyer boyscout shit. All this time he’d given and given and given and she had taken and taken and taken and now he was empty and had to move on before Jyn’s selfishness ate him alive. Fucking hell. No matter how much she told herself that she didn’t mind being a mess and a screw-up and shit, this she couldn’t just accept or ignore or punch. This was the real fucking deal. Cassian left because she was a greedy bitch.

Jyn curled her hands into fists. She had to change something. And soon.

 

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

 

Growing up on a farm Jyn was not unfamiliar with chores. So this should be easy. Just some cleaning. Doing dishes and laundry and cooking. Housework. A great start. No big deal. 

So why the fuck was she standing on top of a heap of broken dishes now? Jyn let out a groan. Normally she would have just left her used dishes in the sink for them to magically put themselves into the dishwasher and then appearing in the cupboards again, all clean, but this time she had decided to at least intercept the cupboard process. Which had proven to be more of a fucking challenge than originally thought when she realized that they kept some of the dishes in the higher up shelves and she was too short to put them there. Fucking Solo must have jinxed it with the whole “Smalls” business.

So she had climbed the counter and promptly smashed about ten plates (and Cassian’s favourite coffee mug too, fuck). Now she was stuck.

Nothing ever went fucking right, did it? Jyn eyed the kitchen floor, littered with shards. She didn’t wear any socks, so her cutting up her feet was probably a given. If she could get to the kitchen table though…

It was a gigantic leap. Like fucking Olympic Games worthy. If the programming business ever didn’t work out for Jyn she could easily go to being a pro athlete. And the kitchen table only creaked ever so slightly under her weight and the force of the impact. So did Jyn’s right knee by the way. And her shoulder that kind of smashed into the wall. And the noise it made was pretty loud too. So loud actually that Cassian came running, tying his bathrobe, his hair dripping. Ha, where had he been when she had broken all those dishes?

“Jyn? What is-“

He stopped short, staring at the shards of all the broken plates on the floor and then at Jyn who was sitting half on the table, half on the bench behind it, rubbing her shoulder.

“I broke some plates”, Jyn hissed between her teeth. She scrunched her nose. Her shoulder fucking hurt.

Cassian didn’t say anything. He just frowned. Then he tiptoed along the outer wall and held a hand out for Jyn to help her off the table.

“Did you hurt yourself?” His voice was so fucking soft. So concerned for her wellbeing. Probably hadn’t seen the destroyed mug yet.

“Just my shoulder”, she hissed. And her knee. And her dignity.

Cassian led her all the way into the living room, placed her on the couch and left the room, only to come back a few moments later in sweat pants and a t-shirt brandishing an ice pack. He sat down next to her, gently putting the ice pack on her shoulder.

“I’ll clean up the shards, don’t worry”, he said. Because of course he did. Jyn only looked at him. Even though he had just come from the shower, he still looked somewhat tired and distracted.

“Is something wrong, Cassian?” She was surprised at how soft her own voice sounded. Not as soft as Cassian’s earlier but tender. Jyn usually didn’t do tender.

But Cassian just shook his head, throwing her a look between half closed eyes before abruptly pulling away from her like something had slapped him. Great. Fucking awesome.

(Over the course of the next week Jyn would also succeed at ruining a perfectly easy to cook dish, break a potted plant while vacuuming and almost burn a hole into Cassian’s curtains while playing with her lighter smoking on the fire escape.) If she didn’t want to drive Cassian away completely Jyn would have to step up her game.

 

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

 

Cassian‘s white dress shirts had a pink tint. Fuck. Jyn stared at the shirt in disbelief. How? It wasn’t like Jyn was completely clueless concerning the washing machine. It was just… that most of her clothes were, well, black. Or dark green. Or dark blue. Or red. Or…fucking neon pink...which was exactly the reason, why the whole load of Cassian’s shirts had a pinkish colour now. The pink shirt Bodhi had given her for her last birthday to “freshen up her colourpalette” had somehow – again, how? – been mixed with the white shirts and discoloured them all. Fucking Bodhi. Fucking shirt. Fucking hell.

Jyn ripped all the shirts out of the machine and dumped them on the floor. It wasn’t so bad, was it? It was salvageable? Maybe with bleach? She slid down along the tiles of the bathroom walls and sat on the floor. How came that she fucked up everything she touched? It was concerning. Infuriating. Maybe even a little bit devastating.

And _of course_ , Cassian chose exactly that moment to come home from work. His keys scraped in the lock, the door squeaked and the sound of discarded shoes and a jacket deposited on a coathanger was easily heard from where Jyn sat. Soon he would- There he was.

 

„Jyn?“, Cassian asked. He stood in the doorway, his eyebrows were drawn into a quizzical line and he looked down at her with obvious questions in his eyes. His tie was loose, his hair ruffled as if he had just run his fingers through it and his crisp, white shirt slightly wrinkled from a long day. „What are you...doing?“

Jyn shrugged. Sitting surrounded by wet laundry on the bathroom floor, apparently. „Laundry.“ Matter of factly. There was nothing weird about this scene. About her. In front of the washing machine. Surrounded by his shirts. Which were pink now. Nothing.

She tried a defiant look, daring him to comment on whatever it was he saw. But he just looked at her. Looked at her with this weird intensity that always bewildered and annoyed her at the same time.

“I just thought…” God, her voice sounded weird. Weak and quivery. Shit.

“I’m sorry”, Jyn said. She hated that it came out as a sob. Great, on top of everything she was going to fucking cry now too? Over a couple of _shirts_?

“I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

Cassian sighed. “It’s fine. It’s…not that bad.” He poked the heap of shirts with one toe, his lips a thin line. He looked…resigned. Disappointed. Confused?

Jyn’s shoulders dropped even more. Slowly she pulled herself off the floor, wringing her hands. She always had to make a mess of fucking everything, didn’t she? Han had been right. No wonder that…

“I’m sorry. I know I am a terrible person”, she pressed, the words just falling out of her mouth. “I smoke too much and I’m rude, I never take any responsibilities around the flat, I keep breaking dishes, I’m always broke…”

She trailed off, wiping the tears off her cheeks with an angry swipe of her fist, not daring to look at Cassian.

“I’m sorry. I totally get why you want to move out. I get it.” It was not more than a whisper at this point.

Cassian cocked his head.

“What the heck are you talking about, Jyn? You are not terrible.”

He sounded kind of offended at her words but that could not be right either. Nothing made fucking sense anymore. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she brushed them away with her sleeve. She _was_ terrible. She wasn’t one for willfully deluding herself. She didn’t need his pity. She just needed him to… But for some reason Cassian seemed to throw himself into a little bit of a fucking tantrum.

“Heck, Jyn, who spent four hours watching tutorials and how-tos to get a clue how to fix Bodhi’s car because he couldn’t afford to bring it to a shop? And who armed herself with a drill and a screwdriver last week to fix the handrail so Chirrut could move easier up and down the stairs? Who waits tables for Han without pay when he’s short on staff even though they already have to work 50 hours a week? Who buys tons of soup when I’m sick and keeps checking in on me while at work? And who leaves coffee for me on the counter every morning no matter how much in a hurry they are?”

He slouched down a little so he could be at eyelevel with her, forcing her to look at him.

“You are an amazing person, Jyn. I’m lucky to have you in my life.”

Jyn adverted her eyes and hunched her shoulders. He sounded so honest, so kind and warm, he said such nice things about her that definitely weren’t true and…and…

“Then why are you leaving?”, she croaked. “If I’m so great?”

She snuck a look at Cassian who looked down at her in something that actually seemed like genuine puzzlement.

“Jyn”, he started slowly. “You realize that _we both_ have to be out of here soon, right? They are selling the building. We got the notice three weeks ago. I told you about it.”

Jyn’s head snapped up. Wait, what?

“We have to…move out? Both of us?”

Cassian nodded his head like one of those stupid bobblehead dogs some idiots kept in their cars.

“Yes, I told you about it. I’ve already begun searching. Look!” He grabbed her hand and pulled her after him out of the bathroom, away from the pile of discolored laundry to his laptop on the kitchen table. He must have worked on it in the morning, when she had already left for work.

“Baze and Chirrut told me about this complex they got a flat in. It’s a rather new building and they still have units open and I thought…”

Cassian stopped, throwing her a look over his shoulder.

“Provided that you still wanna be roommates with me, that is.”

Jyn stared at the computer screen blinking to life. An essay about a complex was pulled up, with pictures of a pretty building with flowerbeds and trees on the grounds and little balconies and blueprints of flats that seemed very nicely cut. It looked nice. She really wanted a cigarette right now. She wanted a drink. She wanted to throw her arms around Cassian and sob like a little kid, never letting go.

“Do you…?”

It sounded tentative, almost worried. Jyn turned her head.

“Of course I want”, she snapped, trying hard to regain her composure which was fruitless since he’d seen it flying out the window a few minutes earlier anyway. “Why wouldn’t I want that? I..”

_love you._

Jyn bit down on the inside of her cheek. _Hard._ Where the fuck had that come from?

“Y-yes. We can do…that. Looks nice. I gotta go.”

She looked at Cassian with big eyes, before turning around, all but fleeing the kitchen. Fuck. She could feel her ears burning, tasted the blood where she had bitten her cheek. What the fuck, what the fuck, what. _The. Fuck_?!

Jyn slammed the bathroom door behind her.

 

Jyn gripped the doorhandle. This was fine. Cassian was her- Cassian was her best friend. He was her friend like Bodhi or Han or Leia. This didn’t mean anything. Jyn took a deep breath, her hands shaking a little. Cassian wouldn’t leave her. Cassian. Wouldn’t. Leave her. That was it, wasn’t it? She could feel the relief flooding her system, the weight being lifted off her shoulders, the stone in the pit of her stomach dissolving, whatever fucking metaphor one wanted to use. Cassian wouldn’t leave. Not like her father. Not like Saw. Cassian was her friend and he was important and she was glad. So, so, so fucking glad. He wouldn’t leave her behind. He wanted her to be his friend, to be his roommate no matter what fucked up person she was. She was no saint. He knew it and stayed anyway. That was what was important. That was what counted.

She turned around, looking at the heap of wet dress shirts on the floor. Oh, yes. That. Another thing she had to fix. Just like that stupid little fluttery thing her heart did. She could deal with that. This was fine. Totally fine.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Muahahaha! This is it, guys. Did you like it? What was your favourite thing? Please tell me, I live off feedback. <3


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